“No offense please” she said with a puzzled face, “But I would like to share my observation with you about the women in Turkey”. This European woman at the age of 45 was trying to choose the right words “What I see here is this: Women -especially in their 30’s- pick men from the crowd and they convince them for marriage no matter how compatible they are as a couple. Shortly after, they give birth to a child! I find this weird!” Then she could not help herself and asked “Why are these women doing this?”
She may or may not be right in her comment, but this surely made me think. I have been realizing that men who crossed paths with women of 30’s in their private lives also ask the same question during our coaching sessions.
In our country, most of the women in their 30’s are extremely willing to move from a single life to a family life which begins with a husband and continues with a kid/kids. This is the strongest data that I have. This willingness is to such an extent that, in case of a contrary situation, some of these women feel desolate, insufficient and even unsuccessful; turning into insecure and distressed individuals. In order to bring this distress to an end, they alone take the initiative of starting a family that requires the desire and will of two people together to take a step forward, and start a process that even extends to intervene the decision making mechanisms of the other party and successively celebrate their new “married with kids” lives.
These women, despite their separate backgrounds and various points of view, meet at the point of “Target: Getting Married” and even if it may seem cliché, they may be divided into three groups:
1- Those who need a husband and a kid/kids because they are economically not independent,
2- Despite being economically independent or having the resources to be so, those who want a wealthy husband and successively become a housewife and the mother of her kid/kids.
3- Graduates of acknowledged universities, while moving up the corporate ladder fast, think that what they lack is a family, therefore get married to their equals -in terms of job title and financial status.
When looked above, women in the first group may be understood at first because unconsciously they take off from the very basic point of “I will not survive if someone else does not take care of me”.
Then, how come there are also women among the second and third groups who feel the urge of marriage in the form of “I am going to die if I don’t get married” and therefore feel ambitious, pertinacious and even aggressive about it?
Let’s approach the answer from biological, psychological and social points of view:
A desire to start a family and establishing, strengthening and deepening her relationship in respect to this desire is inherent for a woman who perceives life through relationships and feelings by her very nature. Her fertility and the ability to give birth is what distinguishes the female from every other living creature. As for men’s millions of sperms per day, women release 300-400 eggs during lifetime; which means eggs are rare and rare is always more precious. Similarly, it is the woman who harbors the baby for 9 months; she is the one who protects, feeds and raises the baby in her body. This unique source of woman’s is vital for a man’s fundamental life purpose: Male lives in order to pass on his genes and this depends on the female he is involved with. With this basic instinct, male looks for and chooses a “beautiful” mate. Beautiful, in nature, is the sign concerning health like the fluffiness of the feather or the brightness of the fur. Yet, only a healthy female can give birth to a living being and protect it as long as it needs and so passes the genes on. Being the rare and the unique, the female is not the pertinacious and the aggressive one; on the contrary, she is the one for whom the male becomes pertinacious and aggressive in a male-female relationship. In other words, female is the one who is held precious and respected; she is the one who strengthens the polarity.
Beautiful, that is, healthy female, mates with the strongest male that fights for her because her instinct is to have a baby of the fittest male so that it is going to have all the best resources to survive throughout life no matter what.
When looked at today, it must not be surprising that women choose men who have “wealth” and “job title”, two of today’s elements of power.
Women who think material sources like wealth, job title, etc. are sufficient in order to get married, make up their minds about marriage when they see these in a man and they take the necessary steps -even aggressive ones- and try to do whatever it takes to start a family with him. However, for a sustainable relationship, 1. Material sources are not sufficient, 2. It is not enough for only one person to put a target of starting a family and convince the other about it.
“Wealth”, “job title”, etc. count up to some extent. However, the “power” of the emotional bond is at least as important as the material sources. Because in order to pass on the genes to the future generations, sources that cannot be bought such as the emotional bond between the couple; peace, harmony and fullfilment in the relationship and both partners positive perception of home are necessary as well as the material sources.
Choices made as a result of focusing on solely those that are seen from the “outside” –the material sources-, by the biological urge of giving birth to kids who are going to have healthy and sustainable lives, unfortunately, end up raising psychologically vulnerable individuals. The healthier male-female relationship is, the fitter the child’s psychological base is going to be; that is, his probability of survival will be high.
And needless to say, when the “inner” power –the emotional sources- is there, the woman does not need to be ambitious, pertinacious or aggressive. If two healthy individuals would like to unite in life as the result of both their free will and desire, this is going to be a very healthy beginning. And this means a healthy base point for a family to start.
My intention has been taking the photograph of the situation rather than suggesting solutions. I am going to touch on even more interesting subjects in the next pieces of this series.