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I NEED TO GET MARRIED -3- (SEEING THE TRAILER, CHOOSING THE FILM…)

According to the 2013 figures announced by the Turkish Ministry of Family and Social Policies, 500-600 thousand couples are getting married per year in Turkey and 100-200 thousand of them are getting divorced. In other words, 1 of 5 marriages break down. We are talking about a very high rate here.

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As I mentioned in the 2nd article of the series, society truly supports marriage and children. Because there is benefit in “family”: Strength.

Family is the fundamental building block of the society. Our collective consciousness says, the more families we have, the stronger we are as society. True, but incomplete. Sustainability (of the family) is as substantial as strength (family itself).

And for sustainability, a solid emotional infrastructure is needed. (By emotional infrastructure I mean: Two emotionally healthy individuals choose each other and they are willing and capable of sustaining their relationship.)

A psychologically and socially healthy individual grows up in a healthy family. If a couple is not satisfied with their relationship, that is going to affect their child directly or indirectly. And vice versa.

Hearty emotional bond between parents in a healthy relationship and the support they give each other are going to contribute their relationship with life, making them savour the good more and cope with the not so good in a healthy way. The baby born to this family is going to grow up in a home environment where he/she breathes in the mutual love and appreciation of their parents and finds trust in this first relationship that he/she witnesses. Therefore he/she is going to have faith in trustworthy and sustainable relationships which is going to affect his/her own relationships in a constructive way.

A parent who accepts and appreciates his/her child for his/her own being; sincerely shows interest in his/her being and behaviours; sets limits and respects the child’s choices raises a self-sufficient, high confident child who values himself/herself. This child becomes a healthy adult and parent in the future.

In a nutshell, healthy family raises a healthy individual. A healthy individual starts a healthy family. An individual needs a healthy infrastructure in order to lead a satisfactory life because only on this infrastructure can a sustainable relationship be built.

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We often run across phrases like “Happy Ending: They Got Married!” in the newspapers. This is a good example of the perception of marriage as a “target”, a “success criteria”. Because a healthy individual’s first choice should be building a sustainable relationship before thinking of getting married.

Marriage is a legal commitment between two people. On the other hand, a healthy adult does not commit to the unlimited; he/she puts the limits of time and content and then commits. Therefore, while making a commitment to his/her beloved one with whom he/she gets along with well, knows that he/she is going to take his/her promise back if the relationship turns to be unsustainable. Otherwise, the commitment would have been a devotion void of limits, self value and individual consiousness. From this point of view, marriage is not an ending; but a beginning. Two individuals’ beginning step of forming, improving, protecting and sustaining a relationship chosen by their free will.

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By today’s conditions let’s assume a 30+ year old woman is going to live until her 80s. This is approximately 50 years. When this adult woman gets married with the will of starting a sustainable family now, this hypothetically means that she is willing to invest in a relationship emotionally for the next 50 years.

Moreover, marriage is like seeing the trailer and choosing the film. Teaser may offer a lot while the film may not be that great. And vice versa. Therefore, it is not possible to predict the whole film from this day, but it is possible to step in or out from what you have today.

So, when a 30+ woman starts thinking about marriage, it will be beneficial for her to look at her life from a distance and answer the following questions either by speaking out loud or writing them down:

– What does marriage mean to me?

– How do I want my life to be when I get married?

– How is my life going to be different than today when I get married?

– Does my current relationship address my deepest needs, values and desires?

– How do I tell our first date or the moment I fell in love –what happens in me while telling?

– My heart, my mind and my intuition… What are their opinions about me getting married?

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